And I’ve definitely felt apathy or inertia towards certain things in the past.But what I’m more familiar with is a really strong pull in two or more directions.With my newly expanded heart and awareness I have the capacity to receive the crazy-passionate love that’s coming my way. It’s been so long since I’ve posted on this blog that I almost feel I’ve lost my nerve, lost my ability to write my truth. In my world, the proverbial grass is pretty much always greener. And for those who’ve had a lot of loss in their lives or who come from a place where there was very little (love, money, treats etc), this can be challenging.
Not online dating or going on dates with a number of people to check them out, which I had been doing. Take my Mexico trip – I was torn about going (adventure in a faraway land versus cosy, safe Christmas with the family); torn about renting my flat out (the much-needed income versus the prospect of damage and the need to clean and declutter); torn about where to spend Christmas (a Mexican beach or a Mexican city) and how to get there (plane or bus) and where to stay (backpackers versus smart hotel); and I was torn about staying on longer in Mexico or coming home, so much so that I wasted a whole morning ruminating, weighing the pros and cons of each course of action and, yes, making a panicked Skype call to one of those long-suffering friends back home. Something – just like the compulsion to overeat or overwork – that takes me away from feeling my feelings.
That pain and that journey still live in you, and in many ways, are controlling your decisions.
You see, if you didn’t want this to some extent, you would not have opened the door. I knew what I was getting into and I don’t blame you for that.
It seems I may have internalised ambivalence – it’s become part of my inner workings – because I grew up with a good amount of it: parents who were sometimes there, physically and emotionally, but other times not; who were at times incredibly loving, giving, supportive and proud, but at other times were overwhelmed with their own lives or issues, distant, or unable to give me the love and support I needed.
I was on the receiving end of a ‘push-pull’ set of emotions – a sense of ‘I want you, but I don’t want you’, ‘we think you’re special versus we don’t have time for you’).I would have willingly gotten on the roller-coaster that is you and rode it until it flew off the rails. This is not the first time I’ve been offered a ticket to a free emotional roller-coaster ride, but now I see clearly that the ride is never worth the fall.